I want it all

If you are not a Manic Depressive ( or bi-polar I hate that term its over used), an addict or alcoholic you won't get this. Dont bother reading.

Here is what people hear about me:

I'm a 3 time loser and addict, spent 10 years in prison due to my drug use and lifestyle.

I  met the most awesome woman and married her. While my life was a wreck she saw something in me so I tried.

I found AA at age 30, and pulled myself out of it with the help of the group, the people in it and my wife.

I worked at a temp agency minimum wage for 6 months. Tattooed for money now and then. I always had a lot of interests, a large skillset and could do or fix anything. I'm smart in the traditional sense.

I went back to school, found a job in a warehouse to pay the bills meanwhile. It wasnt much  but it was good. I was invloved in the program, making a life.

Shortly after my associate degree, I entered the professional world as a software developer. I make great money, packed up and moved to the family to the Austin area.

Bought my first house.

Things are great!

But really, they are not...

The problem with me is I'm a child.

Selfish to the extreme.

It's Sunday and with the million things I want to do with me life, the million things I need to do to maintain my current life, I slept all day...

So my selfishness....

I miss Christmas.

Bad.

I  want, once a year to get something special and expensive and pertaining to my current passion.

I miss my birthday...happy birthday....happy birth..day..ay..ay.

Bad.

Once a year I'm recognized for being alive and recieve a gift, a little less expensive than Christmas but not cheap. It pertains to my current passion.

I don't anymore because I'm an adult and unless I buy it for myself no one else will...duh.

I'm depressed for months and cannot shake it and want to self destruct.

This, over the last 6 years has been the hardest for me. It's nearly February and I still have a resentment that I couldn't afford something for Christmas... (or Yule as we call it now).

I want to be high.

To be happy and feel elation instead of constant stress. Is it wrong to want that reward twice a year?

I own a beat to shit unregistered car that will be lucky to make it to the gas station. It won't pass inspection so will never get re-registered unless I fix it up. Or buy another on more credit that I dont use and is proportionally way too expensive for what its for.

My work computer should be my "car" but its getting outdated and crashes all the time. Not 100% true mind, this is my disease.

My days at work are miserable.

Not because of what I do,  I like it as far as work goes. I am just physically very uncomfortable.

I took out a line of credit to get an ergonomic chair that sucks. It's almost 3 times more expensive than Amazon. But cannot pay cash. Now I'm further in debt.

Got a steller raise, should change everything right?

Wrong.

Still broke. Still cant pay off debt and ordering a pizza that is $30 for one night.

Could feed us dinner for a week.

I'm impulsive, I lie to myself and say it will get better but the harder I work the further I get from what I want.

I need to get back into the program (AA) and change my perspective before I either kill myself with drugs and alcohol or with something else.

I used to have drive and energy. Now im fat and lazy.

Self destruction, will only hurt those I love. Why am I so cruel when I feel this way?

Why is it OK for me to feel like hurting myself will show them? They should have been more considerate. They should have been more thoughtful and attentive to me.

And how attentive am I to my wife? Poor woman, I suck at being a husband. It's always about me and im in no shape to satisfy her needs.

So how can I blame her for filling the void I've left with the things she does? I can only blame myself.

Now it's 1AM and I  have to work in the morning so I had better sleep.

Today

December 27th. what's so special about today? 

  Well let's see shall we:) -wonder where this is going right? On December 27, 1979 the year in which I was born, the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan in an attempt to put a pawn into power there...kinda like we did recently with Iraq now that I think about it. Needless to say the Communist Soviets faced the same problem with rebels making it impossible to bring the country under a complete control. 

  Let's look at a more positive event though. Around the same time that Karl Marx was thinking up his ideas of a socialist utopia, another human being was getting on a ship to sail to exotic beaches to study the genealogical patterns of animals. That human was none other than Charles Darwin, his ship called the Beagle and it departed on that history changing journey on December 27, 1835

 Here we have another interesting event that happened on December 27th. The famous Polish pianist Ignacy Paderewski gave a patriotic speech in Poznan, causing The Greater Poland Uprising  against Germany. This later influenced the Treaty of Versailles to include more territory to Poland...probably because the world all agreed that they are a bunch of big ball having hearty folk who won't stand for no bullshit and they better give them whats theirs and then some.

   One thing these events have in common -other than the date, is that many people were effected in a deep and meaningful way. weather it was a sense of hope and liberation, sadness or joy. 

  Well something else happened on December 27th, and this time a bit closer to the present. On December the 27th, 1984 the most beautiful baby ever to show her face on the planet was born...now I wasn't actually there, but I know that judging by her doll-like porcelain face, soft almond eyes, and a smile so perfect it had to be carved by the Goddesses' own hand, that it had to be so. 

 Her name is Lacey.

 I also know that like the other events in history that happened on this earth shattering day, many people will be deeply effected by the birth of this single woman. They will be greater in spirit to know someone with so much compassion, someone that has so much love to give. December 27th, 1984 gave birth to person who would effect my life more deeply and absolutely than any other. 

Happy Birthday to my georgeous wife Lacey...I love you so much

Perception and Why the Bond of Friendship is so Special.

Logic took a bit hit the other day. It's losing some strength in the fight for whats sensible in the world. That may sound outwardly ridiculous... and it is actually. That's the best part, what makes it interesting enough to write about. Coming from "Mr. Analytical" himself no less.

   I'll get to the point then. Friendship is an essential component of a well rounded existence. Those ties strengthen our social skill-set, give us a lifeline when times get unbearable, provide an objective ...eh actually just a different point of view. We all know this.

On the other hand friendships bring a few other things that can seem outwardly undesirable: peer pressure, lowered inhibition, um...goofiness? I have to come to learn that those little things that made me such an introvert are actually not that bad. but the main one is Entropy of Logic. Your friends plight will cloud your opinion of a topic when it involves them. Perfect example your watching T.V., some guy gets arrested for DUI and your like "Ya Dude! C'mon! how could you do that you reckless Criminal?!" hoping they go to prison for life. Then, your best friend has a few drinks, is totally capable of driving becasue she's an alcoholic and has a tolerance that would put an elephant to shame (JUST AND EXAMPLE), gets pulled over and arrested, gets 5 years of probation that costs a 100$ a month and she can barely cover her expenses as it is and your like -how could those evil bastards do that to my poor best friend?! That is an example of Entropy of Logic.

 I want to talk about another aspect of Entropy of Perception. This one is serious, deadly and arguably present in some individuals at birth. The best way to describe this one is to give an example: My wife says "The garage is flooded." Just a simple statement. Their is no question. There is no accusation. The diseased individual hears a completely different story. He/She hears "The garage is flooded so please immediately fix the sump pump that is obviously still broken even though your incompetent low-life ass said you fixed it." So goes the poor sap, his big "S" torn from their respective chests and try again to fix the sump. Forget that said individual, is highly skilled at almost anything. very competent in everything and worth a million dollars. That Entropy -or if from birth just a disease, ruins this person. some just suffer depression but those of my type do the worst. Jump into addiction and surround themselves with people they can feel superior too.
   It's good, because without it, I wouldn't have the support I do now. I wouldnt have my best friend in the whole world because I have a disease of perception... my Wife. Aurora understands my "goofy" disease and is patient enough to wait until I realize I'm looking at something askew. I am very lucky. I'm Lucky for the love of my life Aurora.

Welcome to the Machine (5:00 am. philosophy)

There comes a time, as in life, when your making nothing but garbage your machine is running badly and you have to say"this is my machine, i own this, ive made it mine and now im going to operate it the best i can" all the sudden, every adjustment, every nob, every wheel just goes where it should, it just works. You own it you made it yours and you make a beautiful product.

So to Wait?

Damn. Aurora makes an irrefutable point the other day that has me struggling. the Android junky that I am, I had been so happy to hear of T-Mobile's addition of the Galaxy S this month i overlooked a huge point. we are at that time of Android evolution where it is very hard to justify spending $500+ on a device and let me explain why: Any technology will be surpassed quickly no doubt, but Android in particular is changing dramatically faster. With the rumors of 2Ghz Processors, 1Gb RAM phones being released by the holidays thats enough to make me pause before signing an equipment contract. Buyer's remorse be damned that phone is sexy and i want it...and normally would have bought it. Another fact: We live in an "HSPA+ coming soon" area. The Galaxy S is not an HSPA+ device. Think about it...The processors out now are fast enough for me, although faster is better, the bottleneck for me and what makes me angry as can be is load times for web pages, lost signals while streaming audio or video, slow downloads etc. Id be a fool to shell out that kind of dough for a phone that would behave for me very similiar to my Motorola Cliq most of the time. Don't get me started on the whole Cliq thing. Matteroffactly i think my next post will address that argument, for now i'll say its a great phone. Anyway. wait till the Holiday Explosion to buy a new device. I'm betting that this year we will all see some amazing and sick phones...2GHZ, dual core, HDMI, SuperAMOLED, HSPA+, Gingerbread, etc. Motorola Send T-Mo a High Ender!!!

Finally Some Recognition of Galaxy S Graphics Power

Shortly after i open my big fat mouth it appears that emerging through the clearing smoke of Apples Explosion is a great example of just how insanely awesome the Galaxy S is check out this video

What about Samsung Galaxy S?

With all the talk of this defective iPhone 4, and how it compares to the Evo or Nexus One. It seems that a very notable device is on the back burner. The Samsung Galaxy S has a 1Ghz. processor thats design makes it handle graphics much better than the aforementioned "super-phones". It's got a sick amount of storage from the gate with a whopping 16GB from the factory with a micro SD slot capable of holding an additional 32GB. What's more is that this phone is coming to the original Android carrier T-Mobile who's network has been rock solid and fast cross country for me and my wife. Granted i would be more than happy with any of the top Android phones but i would just like to see the Galaxy S get the front stage for a bit and not just a sidebar.